Black Moon
by Morphine Dementia
Summary: One-shot. Ren-centred. Ren never thought he could be hurting Horohoro, out of all people; but it's becoming obvious.. and now Ren decides it's time for him to overcome his past self. RenHoro, or Ren x Horo; angst, implied yaoiness.


Ren doesn't know love, but Horohoro is desperate. Ren wants to forget his past and finally be able to be happy with the person he wants to be with the most - Horohoro, who he just hurt worse than ever before, and who's now the only one who can help him.

A bit messy one-shot, written on a Saturday evening while suffering from RenHoro withdrawal. xD They came out quite themselves. x) Basically angst/fluff, but does include Ren's impressions of screwing Horo.

**Disclaimer:** Horohoro and Ren belongs to Ren. Shaman King belongs to Hiroyuki Takei. The song title "Black Moon" belongs to _ELP._

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**BLACK MOON**

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I am Tao Ren.

I'm sitting at the window in my room; it's almost night and I see the huge, silvery moon in the sky. It reminds me of ice and snow, and it annoys me. I feel relieved when it's blackened out by the night clouds. I don't like to talk about feelings; I don't really like to talk about anything.

But I _need_ _to_ now. I just have to. Maybe it will help me finally understand.

::

It all began few weeks ago...no, actually, it all began when I was born. I am a Tao. I carry the mark of hatred on my back, a scar that will never fade. Naturally, I was raised like a Tao, to crave blood and power, and never to doubt the path my family has chosen.

The Tao way, the path filled with bloodshed. What despicable lot they are. I once hoped to destroy them all. Not to mention, I believed every word of the family philosophy. Destroy or be destroyed. I was told that doubting is a sign of weakness, and that the weak are not worth living. I followed it blindly.

When I look back now, I see the futility of that idea. Since I'm a Tao myself, I couldn't really destroy _everyone._ Someone else in my place might have committed a suicide, but not me. That's an act of a coward.

Besides, there is the good and there is the wretched. And that's it.

And even now, in me, nothing really changed. Maybe I don't crave deaths like I did before, and yet I still despise most people. I still don't understand much about being human... I am still a Tao, and I still am a scourge. Nothing can change it.

I hope I can find out more about..."kindness" without turning into a grinning idiot. That's just...disgraceful.

I can not show my emotions to people. That is a weakness. I can't be weak. Ever.

I just try to remain myself, I don't want to lose it just because certain someones feel unhappy.

::

When I met Yoh, and he made me doubt and I hated him for it. Then Jun suddenly became all sappy and started talking about how we need to change. Apparently, she had it out with Yoh as well. I only laughed at her back then. I lived to destroy and I stood by it.

But, there it is - Jun really knows me better than I would like. She comes or calls me and says something really annoying, but I'm especially annoyed because I know it's true. How I really feel and all. She doesn't have the right to know all that! Oh well. The big sister thing, I guess.

Me and Jun, we're actually quite alike, you know? Especially the way we saw everything in the new light. Yes, I thank Yoh for that, for showing me another side of humanity.

And not only that...also that evening when I met his friends.

It was probably the first time in my life when I laughed. And when I fought not to prevail, but to "have fun". I'm talking about the Ainu here. I guess being a grinning idiot has its advantages, he always seems so happy.

Especially while teasing me.

::

Few days ago, I was at it with Horohoro again. It's nothing unusual, but this time it was different. He walked to me and asked how to spell my name. I mean, I know that he has some problems with spelling, but I never thought it was in this level. Not that it matters. I don't know how anyone can be that stupid. It should be a crime. I'm serious.

Naturally, I laughed and told him that he probably has ice in his brain.

And then he finally said it.

"Maybe. But _you're _the one with the ice heart."

He turned and went away. It might have been tears in his eyes. His words almost made me feel bad. Almost. Haven't things like that always happen? Why was he suddenly so serious? I had no idea.

The next day everything was like before.

I know the reasons for his outbursts now, though.

I had suspected something for a while, but I didn't know what it was. He often looked up to me. He sometimes behaved not like his normal idiot-self around me. Finally, he was the only one who cried when I was nearly killed. For real. I saw it.

...It's been a while now since he told he loves me.

::

_A fight breaks up at the dinner table, as usually. As usually, I do my best to calm everyone down. _

_And then he suddenly starts crying, stands up and runs to his room._

_I'm not trying to stop him nor am I following. Why would I follow him? I didn't say anything he haven't hear before. Anna looks at me strangely. She probably knows something. She tells me I should talk with him._

_Talk about what?_

_Well, anything is better than her nagging. I walk upstairs to his room and find the door closed; I knock. "Horohoro, Anna tells you to go downstairs."_

_Silence. Then I finally hear a reply; "I don't want to eat."_

_Now that's something new._

_"Yeah right," I say, "And I don't want to hit you right now."_

_I hear him sobbing; I wonder if that's something I've said._

_"Come out already."_

_He doesn't answer._

_You don't think a door is obstacle for me, do you?_

_When I come in, I see him curled on his bed, face in the pillow, he's crying and his shoulders are shaking._

_I suddenly feel uncomfortable, I don't know what it is; something in my throat. I come closer and touch his shoulder. "Horohoro?"_

_He turns at me, it's weird to see his face without the big silly grin or an idiotic-looking scowl. "Ren, why are you always scolding me?" he finally speaks, and his voice is halting. "Only me. Do...do you hate me?"_

_I'm surprised at the question._

_No, really, the only thing I hate since I confronted my father is hatred itself._

_...no, that's not hypocrisy._

_"You're as stupid as always", I say. "Why would I hate you?"_

_My answer doesn't seem to satisfy him; he turns away again._

_I'm beginning to get annoyed. "Why does it matter so much?" I ask. _

_He doesn't say anything and just lays there, with his face buried in the pillow. A pathetic attempt to hide his tears. As if I can't hear him whimpering._

_I stand up and walk out of the room. If he doesn't want to talk, then be it._

_I almost reach the remains of the door when I feel him eyeing me. His glare nearly burns my back. It's like he doesn't want me to leave. Why he won't answer me then? Why is he always such a baby?_

_"Ren", I hear a whisper and stop. _

_"What now?" My voice sounds sinister and cold, like usually. I didn't really want it to sound like that now, but it just came out._

_I hear Horohoro sighing, then he speaks again. "I.. I love you." _

_I turn back slowly, with a blank face. I can see something in his eyes. A plead. More than anything in the world, he now wants me to answer. To tell him I feel the same way. Or at least let him down gently. To say something, anything at all. _

_I look at him silently, wondering how happy would I be to hear it if I was anyone else, and as I walk off I feel a part of me dying inside right now._

::

I didn't say anything.

I couldn't.

And I still can't. Until now, I haven't said it to him.

A Tao can't love. Simple as that. The Tao know only destruction. We only have the feeling of hate.

I don't want him to be mistaken by something that is just a word to me. That would be even more horrible than what I've already done to him. I don't even know why he still decided to give me a chance when I left like that back then.

After few weeks since he confessed, we started sleeping together.

I don't understand. He's so very different when he's with me at night. He turns into.. some shady, silent version of himself.

He always gives himself to me without a question. He blushes a little at my touch, answers my kisses and gasps as I enter him. I can tell that it hurts like hell from his moans and screams, and how he digs his fingers into my back or the bedsheets when I start moving roughly - and yet he always comes willing. I admit, I'm not a very gentle person, but he knows it too. Why does he do that? Why would he cherish that twisted, cold passion that I have for him, so different from the feeling he dreams about? Even at the expense of his own body. In the morning, I watch him getting up, wincing and forcing himself to walk, what is clearly painful after the abuse he was through.

And yet he never complains. Nor asks me to stop.

::

I have to admit, I enjoy making him writhe, repeating my name; at those moments, I know that he is mine and no one else's. No one else can claim him, I am the one he belongs to, all of him. It feels good.

But sometimes...sometimes I can see that something's wrong. His eyes sometimes become different. I don't know how to explain this. He's always so cheerful. And yet at certain moments, I see that sad look in his eyes, like a silent reproach. It gives me this strange feeling, that I'm not worthy of him, I start to think I should just die for being like that. At those moments, I think he knows that I can't love him. He's suffering. And he puts up with it. Why? It makes me feel like some kind of monster.

I tried to change so hard...and yet I'm still the same. A Tao. A person who would live at the expense of others.

I don't want to live at the expense of Horohoro.

::

When he sleeps, he's as lively as ever, kicking the air, falling off the bed - unless I tire him out. That happens quite a lot lately. When he sleeps, his face is peaceful and calm; I hold him close to myself. I want to have him close, I don't know why. He often reminds me of a child; he's good-hearted, pure and innocent like that, and the way he looks at me... The more I think about it, the more I'm disgusted with myself.

That sight made me decide that I should change. For real this time. I can't keep doing this to him. I can't tell why. I just can't. He doesn't deserve to be treated like that.

What is the Tao family to me now? Only a past relic. I know I am strong enough to overcome it.

I don't need to follow them; they're following me now.

I can choose my own path.

I can love.

I just...don't know how.

I hope I can learn before I loose him.

I couldn't bear it.

That's it, that's the way I feel. And now I must finish that monologue. Horohoro is in the hallway.

::

I hear him walking into my room and turn at him. "Ren.." He looks tired, and it's a while before I understand that I feel bad for him.

He looks at me the same way again and sighes. I keep glaring at him silently, and I feel torn to pieces. I can't do it anymore. I don't know how to call it. No, nothing is happening with my heart. The heart is only an organ that is pumping the blood around. Maybe it's something about the.. _metaphysical_ heart.

I feel something heavy and sharp in the middle of my chest as I see him laying down and waiting for me. I feel horrible. I can't.

I come and sit beside him.

"Horo," I whisper and brush his hair from his eyes..

I don't usually do something this soft. His eyes turn to me. They're really beautiful. Dark blue, almost black - like the midnight sky. But their fire seems extinguished. Is it my fault?

"You don't have to do this," I say. I'm surprised that those words actually came from my mouth. "You know that I can't give you what you deserve. I don't know love."

He looks at me for several seconds. Strange, I could swear he's now pitying me just like I did to him several minutes ago. "I know that," he says silently. "And it doesn't change my love for you. It's not your fault that you were raised without knowing what love is. If pain is all I can receive, I'll take it, as long as it's from you." I almost can't hear as he whispers more to himself than anyone else "..besides, if I ever loose you again..I want something to remember..."

A Tao doesn't cry.

I glare at the person beneath me, a person with a strong and pure soul that loves me that much he doesn't care about himself. I suddenly feel an urge to hold him, just hold him without saying anything, and share his pain.

I lower my head so he couldn't see my eyes, then I lay down next to him. He starts turning onto his stomach, but I put my arm around him and don't let him do it. He looks at me with a question in his eyes.

"Horo, I want to ask you something," I say, still looking to the side.

His eyes glint in the dark. "Yeah?"

It's time. I'm saying farewell to the old Tao way. I almost can't make the words flow, but I put myself together. If I never tell him what he means to me, I won't be able to stand myself anymore.

I get him into a grip; he doesn't resist. He's so warm.

"Teach me," I whisper. "Show me how to love you back, as you love me. I have this strange feeling for you which I don't understand, but I want to. I want to learn."

I finally open my eyes and I meet his. I can finally see that little devilish flame that burns in his eyes when he's happy. Suddenly, he's all changed from the suffering Ainu I saw minutes ago, and the good old Horohoro with the huge idiotic grin. I hate to say it, but he's cute when he's like that.

He takes my hand and brushes my finger against his lips. The touch is soft, and I hold him tight, just like I wanted. All that time.

"Oh Ren, you big jerk," he says. What? Is he crying? "You already love me, you just don't know it yet."

"Did you just say..."

"Of course I will help you understand."

I just look at him, and I feel something gentle inside me. I almost thank him. That wouldn't be me right?

"You're everything I have," I say instead, trying to put that new feeling into those words. My voice sounds differently now. It's almost.. soft. "I need you. I need you to be with me."

Horohoro notices it. It seems he heard what I didn't say. "I forgive you Ren," He wraps his arms around me and laughs. "I'll explain tomorrow, okay? I'm beat right now."

I nod an okay, and I feel his head resting on my shoulder.

Already half-asleep, he cuddles to me; and this second I know I am the happiest man in the world.

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**THE END  
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End file.
